That's a good question. I have spent a lot of sleepless nights scouring the internet for information about this. I read one article written by a marriage counselor, her take was that, if you still have feelings of angry towards your spouse, then there is probably hope for your marriage, but if your feelings of anger have turned into disgust or complacency it's probably really better that you separate.
I've read a lot of things on the internet; others have said you just know when it's over. I suppose there is no real definitive answer, it depends on the people and the situation.
I work in an office of mainly women, so I've asked around-most of them have been through at least 1 divorce. One has a really nice story or how she was reunited with her first love, after both married other people, got divorced and somehow ended up with each other. He adores her, even packs her lunches for her, every day. My old boss, she's on her 4th husband, no divorces, they just all died from one thing or another. Her current husband, same thing, backs her lunches for her daily, takes care of ALL of the household errands and chores while she works. The woman comes home to a hot cooked meal daily! Where are these men? And how did I get shafted?!
My thoughts on divorce...
It's not an easy decision to make, there are so many aspects involved, for me, my biggest concern is the children. They are 2 and 7, and so in love with their father. Us separating is not something they are going to understand and it's not really something that can be explained so simply. Although it won't be an easy adjustment, I also do not believe we should stay together for that reason alone. I think in certain situations its healthier for the children if the parents do separate. Separating would be very devastating for my ego, it will almost feel like all those years were a waste. I am very hard on myself and completely blame myself for the outcome-I should have known better.
So, what are my issues with the man...
It's a little raw, there are a lot of emotions and anger running through my veins at the moment...
1. He has no ambition in life, no goals, no motivation-
2. He is selfish-he spends all of our money on one thing or another or nothing, just wasteful (mind you, we don't really have any money-but if there's a dime, he will spend it. I have had to hide debit cards/cash from him. Any cash in the house always seems to mysteriously disappear, and he never admits to taking it, he gets angry when I accuse him, which is a dead giveaway that he's guilty)
3. He does not try to bring any money into the household-no side jobs, no internet job-He tried Ubering for a while, but ran red lights and got MY license suspended, I went 3 months not being able to drive because I couldn't NOT afford to get my license reinstated-Not to mention he would just go out riding around, wasting gas, not picking up any fairs-He has not had a job in over two years (He is going through some mental health issues and did injure his back about a year ago-there is always something wrong with him. That may sound exaggerated, but it is true. It's even starting to affect my job, he calls me with aliments all the time, I have to leave work to go pick up our son from school, which is about an hour and a half out of my work day, it's getting ridiculous
4. He has angry issues. He takes medicine to help curb this, but will refuse or forget to take it from time to time and it makes for a huge display of rage and a lot of children tears-He doesn't hurt anyone physically, but mental abuse is equally as bad, especially for a child
5. He is whinny and needy, very self-centered.
6. He likes to do what he wants to do, no matter the implication on his family financially or otherwise, then afterwards he wants to feel sorry for his self and depressed that way I can't be mad about anything he's done-He's very manipulative and always twists the truth or lies by omission
7. He doesn't spend enough quality time with his family, he doesn't take his son out to play catch or things of that nature-He is not a very "manly" man, he can't fix anything, all he does is destroy things and make messes for me to try to piece back together and clean up-literally and figuratively
8.He's currently on probation for possession of narcotics, even got his self-locked up, spent the night in jail, guess who had to use rent money to bail him out
9. Years ago we filed bankruptcy to get a fresh start, guess what, credit ruined again-Apparently it came to light after his arrest, that he had been dabbling in some recreational drugs and had opened several credit cards and store cards, to get cash to feed his addiction
10. He does not maintain the household-doesn't clean, doesn't make sure the bills are paid, doesn't set up drs apt, etc-I even have to set up his Dr's appointments and then setup childcare as well, if I don't have to miss a few hours of work and look after them myself-He doesn't maintain the vehicles, doesn't set out the trash, will wash clothes but never fold them, pee's all over the toilet seat and floor, blows his nose without a tissue, vomits out the window of his car-and doesn't clean it, he's a damn filthy mess-he ruins everything
All that being said, I think I have been extremely patient with him, I've tried to be supportive of him I know he is going through some things right now and about 8 years ago his mother passed away, which was extremely hard on him. But, a lot of these issues, the lying, the overspending, not having any ambition are things that have been happening before he lost his mom. I do feel very guilty for wanting to separate, at one time I was in love with him, I'm just not anymore- I have love for him, we have been with each other for 14 years. Even when he is able to get his anger and depression under control, he is doing okay with this now, this will be an ongoing battle-He may end up having to have surgery on his spine. At the end of the day, he is still an unambitious man, who'd rather squander his family's little bit of penance rather than strive to increase our quality of life-And for that alone, I can never love him the same. I would give up my life for my children-
A divorce and separation at this time in our lives would cause tremendous financial stress on myself and the children, as I would not be able to afford childcare for them both daily. At this point my husband, is a glorified babysitter. And we have no place to go, it is literally us against the world. My husband has family, he could go and live with-I on the other hand do not. The children in my opinion, would be much better off with me than him. But I do want to maintain contact with him regularly, for the children's sake-They really do love him.
What's a girl to do?...
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