Yes, it's a real thing! As moms, and I am sure, some dads also, we feel tremendous amounts of guilt about leaving our littles behind when we go off to work. And sometimes when we leave them for any reason. I remember never wanting to head back to work after my first was born. I stayed home with his precocious little face, until, financially we just could not afford me to stay home any longer. I even tried picking up jobs babysitting others littles to help make ends meet, but it just wasn't steady enough income. It was very devastating. I stayed home with him for nine beautiful months, I didn't miss a single coo or whimper. And I loved every second of it, but I had to leave him behind. Dramatic, yes, but some moms/dads understand the emphasis. Now don't get me wrong being a mom for the first time is a scary thing, but somehow that motherly instinct kicks in and everything seems to fall into place. And if it, doesn't you don't really care, because when you hold that little bundle of joy and you pull him in close, breathe in his beautiful newborn smell-none of the other stuff matters. You know, the fact that you are having a hard time producing breast milk for him or the fact that he won't sleep more than an hour at a time, it all just fades away. What a perfect little angel, a blessing bestowed upon you. Aren't you the luckiest girl in the world?!
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Mom guilt is real. Sad, but true. I couldn't just go cold turkey without my little man, I eased back into the workforce, working part time for a few months and gradually building back up to full time. It was soo hard leaving that tiny little face. I would call him every chance I got, just to hear those baby coo's-I would shed a tear, or two...hundred! I was lucky though, I knew he was with the only other person on the planet that loved him as much as I did, his papa. We both feel very strongly about making sure one of us two where always with him, even if that meant we didn't see each other very much. So, we worked alternating shifts for many, many years.
When our son was 5, getting ready to enter big-boy school and finally hubby and I were ready to work the same shifts and be able to spend more time together-we found out we were having baby number two!
And a whole new set of guilt kicked in! Guilt of not being able to give baby number 1 all the attention and love he deserved, guilt about feeling that way, guilt about being separated again from hubby, guilt about having these feelings towards new baby. There was a lot of guilt, a lot of worry, a lot of sleepless nights. Second pregnancy was not as exciting and adventurous as first pregnancy, I felt guilty for a very long time, almost the entire pregnancy. Needless to say, I also suffered from severe postpartum depression with baby number two. Something I did not think was really a real thing and would never happen to me. Let me tell you, it is very real. And can be very dangerous. Between the hormones and the guilt, I am grateful to have made it through that time. There were many, nights, mostly, that I did not think I would. The room would spin, I would feel such a deep isolated emptiness, a complete void and be unable to catch a breath. Which only made the panic worse. It is real, and it was scary. After baby number 2, I only stayed home about 2 months. I felt some guilt, but mostly felt guilty about not feeling as guilty as I should have. Baby girl and I bonded right away after she was born, she was a perfect little sweet girl. But mommy was ready to be out of the house and besides I knew she would be in safe hands, with papa. I am lucky in that regard, as my hubby is very good with the littles.
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I love both of my littles very much-just had to throw that out there, no hard feeling towards baby number two-she is the other third of my whole world! And guess what, I am capable of loving two babies after all! I had my doubts. Now, it is a struggle from time to time to assure big baby #1, that he is still our number one boy and little sister just needs our four eyes glued to her right now. As the years have passed, they have grown closer to each other. I love seeing them interact, play, and snuggle one another. I always tell them; they are each other's best friend and they just don't know it yet. Such precious angels they both are!
You would think the mom guilt would have subsided by now, but NO! Now I feel guilty about all the things I was able to do with baby number 1 that I haven't done for baby number 2! Plus, her birthday is the day after Christmas, so she basically has been cheated out of an official birthday party for two years now! Ya, I know she won't remember, but I do! Oh, the guilt! We have been back and forth over doing it sometime in January, so we make sure we are able to give here the individualized attention she deserves. Even though she doesn't have big parties like number 1 got, I do try to make her feel super special! And don't get me started on the amount of photos we have of baby 1 versus baby 2, Ya its bad-Like 100 to 1. Eek, I know I need to spend some time photographing my little lady!
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Will the Mom guilt ever end? I'm going to go ahead and throw it out there, Uh Nope! But, it's ok to let some of the guilt go, we are in there, we are involved, we love beyond proportions fathomable, we deserve to allow ourselves to let go of some of the guilt. After all, it's just another day in parenthood!
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