Dealing with depression is hard. It is a tremendous weight on the family but an unimaginable weight on the poor soul that has to carry it. Depression is no stranger to me, long before I met my husband. My mother is also of a victim of this disease. It's an ugly disease, makes, not even seeing your own child smile-good enough to cheer your heart. It's a heavy burden to bear, my poor best friend. In her last days, his sweet momma would refer to me, as her sons' best friend. Every day, for the rest of my life, this is who I'll always be, for him. How does a heart mend after losing something so dear? How does your mind not break from the hole in your heart? What do you do, when the biggest part of you, is now gone? My poor, best friend. We spend many moments crying together; the soul just needs a little release from time-to-time. No matter how many tears we shed, time does not appear to make the pain any less cruel. But still, we try to move forward, mostly moving backwards, but still we move.
Over the years we have seen many friends and people we have known pass away for various reasons, a mother and daughter, from a bad flu-I didn't know this still happened to people. A girl I have known since middle school, gone from this earth-over a flu. A few months before her, her father lost his battle with a long-term disease, a few weeks after that, her mother taken, over from the same flu, that claimed her own sweet life. A whole family gone from this earth, within a few months. Leaving behind her lost husband and a sad 7-year-old little boy. Poor little one, with no mommy to hold tight. My heart breaks every time I think of his sweet little face.
More friends lost while giving birth to their little's-dying never having seen the beautiful faces of their little babies, never getting to feel the warmth, of that precious angel against their skin. That sweet, sweet soul never having his mommy to help guide him through life. Never knowing how much she loved him, poor little guy, poor momma. My heart aches for you both.
Over the years I have lost many family members, my uncle, drug overdose-and also suffered from severe, manic depression. A potentially killer disease, a monster, ravishing from the inside, yearning to be set free. My great grandmother and my silly aunt tweet. I dream of them every now and then-I walk into my grandmother's house, and they are all there-Like the old days, when I was a girl, never realizing how much I would miss their boring stories or silly antics. My grandmother, although she has not passed on from this earth-she is just a small fraction of the woman I once knew. Time is claiming her slowly, it's very painful to watch, she was my best friend for most of my life. A lot of me comes from watching her. She is the best person I have ever known. One of the good ones, my poor little grandma. I would be lost without you.
With the joys of life, also come the pain-Life is so bittersweet.
A life is given and a life is taken away.
A life is given and a life is taken away.
Cherish the fleeting moments, with every single breathe...
I think about my family losing me, every now and then. I think about all the
things I would want them to know and I would try to encourage them to keep moving forward, no
matter how sad or lost they felt. Before I had my daughter I wrote a note to my
husband, my son and to my daughter, just in case I did not make it through. I
sealed it and gave it to a good friend to deliver to them when the time was
right, just in case.
Before my mother-in-law got really sick, she wrote a note and pinned it to the refrigerator, the contents of the note contained all the things that would need to be taken care of when she passed and a list of women that would make good suitors for her husband. True, true-love! That letter, even though heartbreaking, inspired me. I could not bear leaving behind my family without leaving them some last words...I also intend on making a video for them as well, so when they are really sad, or when they really miss me-they can watch it and hear my voice. My hope is that it gives them the strength they need to carry on and live their lives...
Before my mother-in-law got really sick, she wrote a note and pinned it to the refrigerator, the contents of the note contained all the things that would need to be taken care of when she passed and a list of women that would make good suitors for her husband. True, true-love! That letter, even though heartbreaking, inspired me. I could not bear leaving behind my family without leaving them some last words...I also intend on making a video for them as well, so when they are really sad, or when they really miss me-they can watch it and hear my voice. My hope is that it gives them the strength they need to carry on and live their lives...
Dear little ones, mommy loves you. Mommy loves you from the bottom of her heart. I am sorry I cannot be here with you, but please remember mommy is always in your heart and I am always watching and guiding you from above. Any time you need me, just look to the stars and talk with me-I promise to always listen, no matter what. Please love each other, hold each other tight, give loves and cuddles, even when you disagree with each other. Remember to always try your best, even when the obstacle seems impossible, don't give up. Live life, do not let good opportunities pass you by. And please, take care of Daddy, he really needs you both, be patient with him and with each other. I love you two more than anything in the world or beyond. I will always be a part of you, do not forget, I am always here, even if you cannot see or touch me. Be good my little angels, it is okay if you are sad, but please do not be sad for too long. Mommy wants to watch you grow and learn and live your magnificent lives. Do not forget to love along the way, I can't wait to see the story of your little lives unfold. I love you my little angels, do not fret mommy will see you again someday. I love you.
Forever,
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