Everyone feels defeated in life from time-to-time. I know I do...
My Current State of Mind 5/10/2018 @ 6am
With so many things going on right now, sometimes I even forget to take a breath. For the last few years, it seems life has been kicking my behind. I don't feel like I want a whole lot out of life, just to be able to enjoy simple things, would be refreshing. I am mentally exhausted from this roller coaster ride. Too many downward spirals, not enough ups. I am trying, but perhaps not hard enough? I suppose there has to be some reason I keep ending up on the losing end of everything! I am feeling a little defeated if you couldn't already tell. It is so very hard to carry on day to day, being positive when inside your soul is just tired. Sometimes all I want to do is curl up in the bed and just cry for a while, just be alone, for time to just to stand still and give me just a few minutes of solitude to make sense of all the mess. I keep pushing forward, but can't help but to think there must be a breaking point, eventually. And I don't just feel sad, I am also angry. I am angry that all of this is happening to me. Believe me, I understand it could be worse, most things can always be worse, I am grateful they are not worse. But they are not good or even neutral for me right now. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle, that it's going to take a major incident to break before the repairing can begin. No universe, do not bring me anything catastrophic, I'm just speaking out loud.
I am a simple girl; I want simple things in life. A home of my own to raise my two munchkins in, a vehicle and a decent paying career. I want to go on family vacations, be able to save for their college educations and grow old in a rocking chair on my front porch, playing with my grandkids. Just simple things, nothing fancy. It sounds much simpler than it actually is, apparently.
Writing helps me to put things in perspective most times, I could carry on forever, if only I had the time. There are so many things to do, so, so many and never quite enough time to get them done. Everyone struggles with their own issues, I know I am not the only one, but I am the only me and all of this is happening to me, around me. Fortunately, and unfortunately, maybe some of both-I cannot just lay down and cry I must keep moving forward, no matter how painful-I have an audience watching me, If I don't handle this right, neither will they, when they are feeling this way. I love my commute to and from work, for only this reason. I can cry as much as I want and no one is watching, for that 20-30 minute in the morning and evening, No one is watching me. I cry and I sing, like some kind of maniac-good thing the windows are dark tinted, wouldn't want to end up in a straightjacket someplace. I am a real person, I am a real mom, I have problems that are real to me. This is my real, real life, it is ugly sometimes, it is hard most times and if it weren't for those moments in between I am sure I'd go insane.
I wrote this little note to remind myself of my overall end goal!
Dear Mother,
You are the most important person in my life. You have taught me all the important things in life that any good person needs to know. You have helped me grow, from a little baby girl into a beautiful woman. You have instilled in me the importance of hard work, the importance of following through, the importance of enjoying life, and the importance of love. You have shown me how to stand on my own two feet and even though times can be hard, you have shown me how to pick my head up and carry on. You have made me strong inside. You have shown me how to love and treat others and how they should also treat me in return. You have shown me how to value myself and how to feel confident enough to take on the world If that's what needs to be done.
I want to Thank you for helping make me the woman I am today, I know at times life was not always easy and there were many days it would have been easier to give up, but you didn't and for that, I want to Thank You. Your strength inspires me every day. Thank you for always being there to hold me, to bandage my boo-boo's and to just listen to me. Thank you for all the hugs and all the kisses. Thank you for loving me, with so much unconditional love that sometimes it made it hard to breathe. You are my world, you are my beautiful, strong mother. If I could give you the stars and moon, you could consider it done. I appreciate everything you have given me; I love you with all of my heart. I will forever need you, mom. And I will forever love and adore you.
Love Your Daughter,
Chloe
I will keep this note always and on hard days when I really do feel like giving up, I'll read it. She will say these things about her mom, someday...My beautiful girl, momma loves you! I will do right by you and your brother, no matter what!
You can count on me!
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