The other day on my break, I was scrolling through Facebook and saw a post of a new blogger, who had written her very first post and wanted some feedback. I was for sure reading her post, somehow, I knew it would make me feel better about my own posts (that sounds shitty, doesn't it? I am pretty shitty sometimes). Boy, was I wrong, her post was really incredible! I was totally shocked and she didn't even try to sell me anything either. It was just a very nice little story/diary type post that she had written about stopping to take time to just let things be.
The post was about her and her little ones watching a thunderstorm from the window, peacefully, together instead of fighting with them to get to bed. I am not moved or inspired easily, but what she was saying made perfect sense to me. Most people don't know this about me, or maybe they do and just have never mentioned it, But I am an angry person inside. I am just always so angry, that everything in my life seems to stink right now. I don't really behave as if I am in rage, but inside I am screaming at the top of my lungs, thrashing around in the biggest temper tantrum you could possibly imagine. I have to fight through the anger every day, and it is hard sometimes. But there are two little angels that depend on mom, so somehow, I make it through the anger to be here for them.
Anger is very consuming. I have dealt with it most of my life. I am positive my anger manifested when I was a young child. I have some childhood trauma's I suppose I am still working through. Over the years my anger has subsided somewhat, especially with the birth of my first child. I definitely noticed a big difference for several years around his birth and thereafter. But now I feel it starting to intensify more and more. Perhaps because I am pulled in so many directions at once, I don't feel like I am in control of anything anymore (if I ever really was). I sort of feel like I have been backed into a corner and I am getting sick and tired of being poked and prodded and made to put on a performance for the audience. Like a caged animal, it's only a matter of time before I can't hold back the anger any longer. I may seem like a nice girl on the surface, but I am truly an asshole underneath. I am full of anger, full of envy, even full of hate. I have little concern for anyone else most of the time and most time I don't care to. But every now and then I think there has got to be something screwed up in me, that makes me feel this way inside.
What do I do to keep the anger under control?
Think of my littles and how much they look up to me, and how I have to be a good role model for them. And I have to do this daily, and sometimes it makes me angry, that I have so much anger inside-on some occasions it does spill out and comes across as yelling frustration. It doesn't happen often, but it has happened. Being a parent is very stressful, especially on those days when NOTHING goes right. Ugh, I am not proud of this-it makes me angry with myself, go figure.
To help subside the anger I like to fill my time with as many things as possible, I write, I clip coupons, I do research on different things, I make lists of things, I play mobile games, scroll Facebook, look up things on Pinterest, all sorts of things, learn to do something or other. I am usually always trying to think of ways to earn passive income. I have come across a few ways, perhaps I will share in a later blog post!
I sing, I like to sing, it helps me feel better. I like to sing songs that have a lot of passion in them, sometimes they even make me cry and that really helps me feel better. Some of my favorite artists are Mary J Blige, Mariah Carey, Boys II Men, Garth Brooks, Staind, Incubus-I love all types of music, in their own time.
Have you ever heard the saying, "Forgiveness is for you, not them"? I thought I had forgiven the people in my past who had done me wrong. I am starting to think that maybe the one person that I did not forgive is myself. I am so hard on myself sometimes, that it's paralyzing. I feel so defeated in life lately. I am lost and have no guiding post. I am alone in an ugly cruel world with two sweet angels to protect and guide. I just want to live...
Dear Ana, I forgive you-none of this is your fault. You really got the shitty end of the stick, you were not blessed with pillars of guiding light to help guide you through life, you have had to learn most things the hard way and on your own. It's taken a little time but you are strong and you will get where you want to be someday. You do have little angels that need you. They need your love and guidance for all the days of their lives. They need your hope, and your tenderness, your hugs, and your kisses. You'll be their pillars, tall and unmovable, and you will stand the test of time, the test of life and its roller coaster. You are a good girl, with a good soul and I forgive you.
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